Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Son and Daughter of Life

I rushed outside the house holding my tears as I can still hear the echoing voice of my father, criticizing and judging so nastily. My mother followed me through the bushes in our front yard. My heart was pounding so fast, full of anger and disgust. I sobbed and fight all the miseries I kept at the time. I taught myself not to cry. Someday, he will know my worth.

“I’m sorry. Your father doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just upset and stressed out,” my mother explained so calmly. I never looked at her nor say anything at all. I just continued sobbing, so confused.

“How could a father do that to his kid?” My mind drifts aimlessly. “Okay, stop crying now. Please understand that he loves you. That’s how he shows his love. He doesn’t know how to express his love and his appreciation but he's proud of you”, my mother is begging me to come inside.

It was dark and we just finished our dinner. I was so happy handing out my paper to my Mom and told her how I did in school. I was so proud of myself since I got the highest score in our class.

“You didn’t get a perfect score? That’s a chicken, a very easy quiz!” he said awfully. “A first grader can do better than that. I thought you’re smart!” he continued on and on. My father was annoyed and gave me a sarcastic laugh.

“Will you stop it? Your daughter didn’t invite you to see her paper!” my Mom screamed at him. “Why? Don’t I have the right to know?” he was fuming.

Then, there was a series of yelling and fighting. The neighbors heard it. Everybody seemed to stop eating and listened to the fights.

My father hurt my feelings so bad; yet, he didn’t even apologize for what he did. Yes, that’s my father. I don’t know where his attitude came from but that seemed to be the missing part of my growth.

I was so envious of my friends who were awarded for money by their parents depending on their score. I even got better grades than them but my father seemed not pleased by it.

My father is still the same person after all these years. A year ago, I went home for a visit and I could see his delighted face. One night, he came home drunk and he hugged me.

“You just don’t know how proud I am for what you did to the family. If not because of you, the family will not be like this today. You are the hero to the family!” he said while covering his face with the pillow as he lay down on the floor getting ready to take a nap.

“Yeah, right! If you die and God will ask you- what good did you do for your family? What would be your reply?” I asked him.

“Oh, you didn’t know but I prayed for all of my kids. I did everything I could” he said like he doesn’t mean it. He was drunk anyway.

Yes, twenty years later he is still the same person who definitely doesn’t know how to become a father nor doesn’t know how to function as a father.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt bad and sad for my father more than anybody else. Our relationship has grown over the years. I never hated him for being dysfunctional at times. I understand him better as I grew older and have become more tolerant of him. Even better than my Mom.

“Are you talking to your Father or what? You seemed to forget that” my Mom reminded me one time. I’m the only one in the family who can talk to him like a younger brother or somebody of the same age. I feel as though that’s how I can communicate with him better.

It's no big deal anymore. I never lived with my past or struggle with hatred against my parents. Not even when I was growing up.

Life is just a test that we have to pass and if we fail, we can retake the test. Otherwise, we would have taught what to do in every step of the way. It doesn't have to be taken seriously though.

If all kids will expect their parents to be perfect, then it must be a tough ride. I bet you.

Shawie

11 Grateful Heart's Words:

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Shawie,
All people have their individual weaknesses. Who doesn't have? Your father may have his frustrations in life and he covers it up by drinking. But the fact still remains that he loves all of you very much. He may just be the reserve type of person who is not showy with his feelings. I'm sure he misses you so much when he does not see you. Show him you love him in your own way and he will definitely respond to that. You have but one father. Perfect or imperfect, he is still your father. Thanks for the honest post. God bless you and your loved ones always.

""rare*jonRez"" said...

this is a sad story for me to know sis. i am sorry if u have this kind of situation with your father. i always envy peers who still have their fathers these days. but i am looking at it like they have the same situation like i used to have before my father passed away. if it's the other way around, like what u have right now, i think i will never get it. i am fortunate to have a very strong and tight bonding with my papa before. i am a papa's girl and so when he died, it seemed like it was the end of the world. but i am fine now. i look at my experience as one that nobody else had been through and i am darn lucky for it.

i may never understand your case but i hope all will be well between you and ur dad before it's too late. :)

regards!

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Shawie,
You are tagged at my K.I.S.S. blog. I don't normally do tags especially if it's about me personally but this one is different and I can't resist doing it since it's a Christian tag. I always want to spread God's message of love around the world. Please do the tag not for me but for Christ. Thank you very much and God bless you always.

Tina said...

What a powerful post! We all have a past to deal with, even our parents. The only way we can be healthy for ourselves and others is to forgive. A book I highly recommend is, "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn. There is a workbook with it too, and it is good alone or with a group. My husband and I participated in a group study/discussion of this book, and it was an amazing experience. You learn so much about yourself.

Stop by for your Lemonade Award!

Shinade said...

Hi Shawie,
I am always so touched to hear stories like these because I know the life so well. My father and mother were both alcoholics and my childhood was one of constant degradation and violence.

But, I truly believe that God puts all obstacles in our life for a reason. If we over come those obstacles as you have done so well....well, we wind up with a person with a beautiful heart such as you.

Blessings my friend:-)

Jona said...

you know, it's really different when i've become a Christian and a parent myself. i began to understand my parents more or people. childhood really plays a major role for one's character. whatever a person becomes is a result of how he was treated when he was young. with this, i felt more of compassion, not bitterness to people or to my parents as well. and now as a parent, I really do my best to shower my kids with love.
You're right when you said that life (even though it is) shouldn't be treated so seriously.
I admire you for your openness and being honest about what you feel.
thumbs up to you!

the donG said...

"Life is just a test that we have to pass and if we fail, we can retake the test. ">>> very striking.

i just came back from a long and busy week.

SHIELA said...

i didn't know you have a strange relationship with your dad. i know it is hard because i've been through a lot as well. But you know what? It makes us more strong and face the world better than the rest :)

HalfCrazy said...

Hi there!

My Dad is different. He's just really mean sometimes but he gives me everything. If I got a 3.00, (which is the passing grade) he doesn't care. All he wants for me is to pass and then he gives me compensation. Then I got a grade of 5.00 (the failing grade) but he still gives me everything. I'm grateful for having a Dad like him. Maybe he wouldn't get to read this and maybe he'll never know what I think.

Maybe that's what your Dad thinks about you too. Except he's the daughter in my case and you're the father.

Much Love,

es said...

nice sharing..i can relate at some point sha.

God speed!

.jorhemkris. said...

It makes me so sad to know that part of you 'te Sha but proud as well for you grew up to be the person you are now.. you are lucky in so many ways, know that. Other children grow up not knowing who their father is... God is really good to you... for you have a very big heart!