Comforting Expressions

I keep saying to myself that so much of life is shaped by the questions we ask of it. Questions like "what others think of me?" as opposed to "how can I live a meaningful life?" Each and everyday offers an opportunity to reconsider and redefine our own points of views. I always thought problems when not dealt thoroughly with will just suffocate out of us. It’s always a breeze when you can vent some, when you can write what’s bothering you, when you can pour out everything that’s in your mind. Sometimes it doesn’t matter when nobody cared to listen, when nobody agrees with you, when nobody can understand.

When I read my baby brother’s email, I had seen a matured man in him. Our relationship with our Mom is not perfect, there are ups and downs. I think, our Mom is in crisis on how to let go of her kids. She maybe aware of her boundaries but she’s still having a hard time dealing with it. Over the years, most of her kids just kept things to themselves.

Shifting for a healthier, more communicative, more interactive relationship was a great preference for our family. Thanks to the magic of technology, it wasn’t too late for my Mom to appreciate emailing, texting and chatting. It’s not that difficult to say the things we wanted to say anymore. We maintained an open communication.

Obviously, both our parents and us, kids are born on different eras. I’m aware of how hard it is to find our feet on this ever-changing world but it’s definitely a means of survival. I’m just grateful our Mom isn’t that closed-minded although sometimes her domineering personality will surface and she becomes defensive and tends to attack at first. I understand where she’s coming from.

Yes, there were quiet a few issues we don’t agree with. Arguments are of course inevitable and necessary so long as it’s productive. As Paul Tillich had said, the first duty of love is to listen.

Happy weekend, everyone!^-^

Why Did I Get Married?

I am part of this group in high school called “Hijas de Maria” meaning “Daughters of Mary”. The group functions as a church choir for most masses. One of our obligations is to attend mass on Saturdays in honor of the Virgin Mary. In the Philippines, church weddings are always held on Saturdays. Being so young and naïve, I was so excited to have attended a wedding for the first time. Eventually, the group became choirs for weddings- sometimes we’re paid, sometimes not.

And for quiet too many weddings that I had witnessed (by default); the message of the priest is always the same. I even memorized his lines, lol! It always starts with “One plus One Equals Three. Husband, Wife and God. I was so fascinated by those lines. It seemed so simple and romantic. However, as I grow older and now being married, I understand that it is the separateness that enriches the union. Although my being very independent would surface every once in a while specially if we have misunderstandings. My husband objects that “independent mode” I wear when I should show more vulnerability. Oh well, why did I get married in the first place? Okay, that’s a movie (nice movie- I just watched last Saturday).

Anyway, this article from the book “The Road Less Traveled” is such a good read:

A common and traditionally masculine marital problem is created by the husband who, once he is married, devotes all his energies to climbing mountains and none to tending to his marriage, or base camp, expecting it to be there in perfect order whenever he chooses to return to it for rest and recreation without his assuming any responsibility for its maintenance. Sooner or later this “capitalist” approach to the problem fails and he returns to find his untended base camp a shambles, his neglected wife having been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, having run off with another man, or in some other way having renounced her job as camp caretaker. An equally common and traditionally feminine marital problem is created by the wife who, once she is married, feels that the goal of her life has been achieved. To her the base camp is the peak. She cannot understand or empathize with her husband’s need for achievements and experiences beyond the marriage and reacts to them with jealousy and never- ending demands that he devote increasingly more energy to the home. Like other “communist” resolutions of the problem, this one creates a relationship that is suffocating and stultifying, from which the husband, feeling trapped and limited, may likely flee in a moment of “midlife crisis.”

The women’s liberation movement has been helpful in pointing the way to what is obviously the only ideal resolution: marriage as a truly cooperative institution, requiring great mutual contributions and care, time and energy, but existing for the primary purpose of nurturing each of the participants for individual journeys toward his or her own individual of spiritual growth. Male and female both must tend the hearth and both must venture forth.

Marriage Creed

Tap! Tap! Tap! It was all we could hear on the computer as the bidders hurriedly gave away their money for a certain coin. The coins were sold so fast like wind as well as the thousands of money gone by hastily. One coin was sold around 220grand, some around 150-170grand and for average coins- it was sold around 3grand. My husband was all so excited telling me about this cool “auction” thing online.

The whole afternoon passed by and he’s still there in front of his computer in his office. Okay, fine. Whatever. To ease my boredom, I played the hip-hop aerobics and sweat away all my frustrations in my office. No, I didn’t tell him that I’m pissed at him.

I dressed for church and decided to go early. I didn’t invite him either. Yeah, whatever. I’m pissed off. I shouldn’t be going to church but I did anyway. I kissed him goodbye and off I went. It felt better driving alone and the road is quiet empty. Ah, the Super Bowl Sunday! It’s nice though. I had some moment for myself. I’ll be better soon, I just sighed.

I came home without saying “hi” to him not even to the dog. No, my hormone level is way too high, very stubborn.

“Momma, where are you?” he screamed while looking for me in the bedroom. I said “I’m downstairs, making coffee”.
He was all so excited telling me how the auction went. I gave him a cold face. Then, he figured out.
Okay, there’s the drama again. “Did I do something wrong?” “Is there something wrong?”
As always, my answer is “I’m fine”. No, you’re lying, he said. Okay, I’m pissed!
“Why?” “It’s because you were just in front of the computer all afternoon!” I said in a high-pitched tone.

Alright, I’m being unreasonable. I knew it was such a big deal for him. I knew I’m being selfish and he felt I’m so unkind considering how important that auction to him.

I can’t even tell him upfront that I want his attention. I felt bad because I’m bored. Faye even invited me for a movie night out but I said “no”. I’m in bad mood.

After a few minutes of sorting things out in a calm way, we made up. Off we went for dinner. We agreed to leave it behind. Then, my being childish confronted me once again. Darn, the dinner went so bad, there’s not even a good conversation.

The whole evening was ruined. We stayed away from each other. I’m still not over it and I just keep clinging to my stubbornness.

The scenario is neither new to us nor frequent. It’s rare but the same thing over and over again. I seemed so stuck with my stubborn behavior.

It’s past eleven and I said “goodnight!”
“When was the last time you did this to me?” he asked.
“I don’t remember”, I answered.

“Why are you doing this to yourself and why are you dragging me into this?” he asked in an angry voice. “I know you pretty well and you can’t hide anything from me, I’m intuitive. And you know exactly what you’re doing”, he continued. Duh!

“I need some attention, can't you tell? Okay, do I get in trouble tomorrow if I don’t say bye-bye before work?” He said, “You can do whatever you want to do”.

Fine. I apologized and we tried leaving the mess behind. I went to bed with still a heavy heart. Then, I received an email from him on my iPhone. He wrote some instructions for A at work and called me grumpy Momma. Grrrr!

I woke up so fresh in the morning and forgot about my bad hair day. He brought me an apple at work and I noticed he’s making some effort to make it up. Good! He probably figured out that’s how I get his attention. Do some protest?

Come on! Its high school, isn’t it? Anyway, as I said I want to post a love article or journal as much as I can for this month, hoping to learn from my mistakes in the years ahead.

Before I go, I’ll leave you with this very reflective message from Kahlil Gibran about marriage. Once in a while, I dig into his great reservoir of spiritual teaching whenever I’m lost, confused and to stay grounded and right on track.

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."