Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why Did I Get Married?

I am part of this group in high school called “Hijas de Maria” meaning “Daughters of Mary”. The group functions as a church choir for most masses. One of our obligations is to attend mass on Saturdays in honor of the Virgin Mary. In the Philippines, church weddings are always held on Saturdays. Being so young and naïve, I was so excited to have attended a wedding for the first time. Eventually, the group became choirs for weddings- sometimes we’re paid, sometimes not.

And for quiet too many weddings that I had witnessed (by default); the message of the priest is always the same. I even memorized his lines, lol! It always starts with “One plus One Equals Three. Husband, Wife and God. I was so fascinated by those lines. It seemed so simple and romantic. However, as I grow older and now being married, I understand that it is the separateness that enriches the union. Although my being very independent would surface every once in a while specially if we have misunderstandings. My husband objects that “independent mode” I wear when I should show more vulnerability. Oh well, why did I get married in the first place? Okay, that’s a movie (nice movie- I just watched last Saturday).

Anyway, this article from the book “The Road Less Traveled” is such a good read:

A common and traditionally masculine marital problem is created by the husband who, once he is married, devotes all his energies to climbing mountains and none to tending to his marriage, or base camp, expecting it to be there in perfect order whenever he chooses to return to it for rest and recreation without his assuming any responsibility for its maintenance. Sooner or later this “capitalist” approach to the problem fails and he returns to find his untended base camp a shambles, his neglected wife having been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, having run off with another man, or in some other way having renounced her job as camp caretaker. An equally common and traditionally feminine marital problem is created by the wife who, once she is married, feels that the goal of her life has been achieved. To her the base camp is the peak. She cannot understand or empathize with her husband’s need for achievements and experiences beyond the marriage and reacts to them with jealousy and never- ending demands that he devote increasingly more energy to the home. Like other “communist” resolutions of the problem, this one creates a relationship that is suffocating and stultifying, from which the husband, feeling trapped and limited, may likely flee in a moment of “midlife crisis.”

The women’s liberation movement has been helpful in pointing the way to what is obviously the only ideal resolution: marriage as a truly cooperative institution, requiring great mutual contributions and care, time and energy, but existing for the primary purpose of nurturing each of the participants for individual journeys toward his or her own individual of spiritual growth. Male and female both must tend the hearth and both must venture forth.

Shawie

8 Grateful Heart's Words:

Debbie said...

Such a beautiful wedding photo! I'm sure you made a beautiful bride. My husband and I want to encourage each other to be the best we can be. Sometimes it ends up in some conflict but I think we both have each other's best interests at heart. Sometimes we both struggle with control issues but over almost 25 years I find that I love him more now than ever.

Tulip's Talking said...

Yes, perfect wedding photo!

My husband and I are best friends, and like best friends we have our ups and downs, thankfully many more ups. Especially that we have chosen to realize that we want so much to be together forever and always, even in our next lives!!!

I have never thought of the female part of marriage being the "arrival". So true, and much more so when I was younger and married the first time.

Then I grew up and thought, who cares if the towels are folded that way? I did not have to do it and after all, they are in a closet!

Thank you for the beautifilled blog post. I too find that I love him more now than ever. And the wondrous thing about that, it is the same everyday...I love him more today than yesterday.

~Lily

blissful weddings said...

truly important to let God rule the relationship :)

Salute said...

How nice....beautiful....And interest story.

Alicia said...

I've heard great things about "The Road Less Traveled" isn't the authors last name Peck? Maybe I should check it out. I really like what you shared from it. So often in marriage our problems come from living "parallel lives" (living side by side but never becoming one.) I believe when we both strive to become one with God we naturally become one with each other. And when we are truly seeking to love God we will become more and more concerned about helping others and their needs, you know "loving our neighbor"...and I can't think of a closer "neighbor" than my spouse. Thanks for such a positive blog! I really love it.

Meryl said...

Nice post.
my husband and I always make it sure that the center of our relationship is God. I'm so grateful that my hubby is a very God fearing person

Debbie said...

Shawie, I tagged you today on Heart Choices. It's 7 things people don't know about you. I hope you'll enjoy participating, if you like.
http://www.heartchoices.com/2009/03/7-things-people-dont-know-about-me.html

HUMANHOOD said...

Resolving personal issues whatever it may be should not be handled alone. There are communities who are willing to support all the way to keep up the motivation. Just reach out and let others help to surpass the difficulties that you may be experiencing.

There's actually a support group wherein anyone can join, their Facebook page can be found at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=141691450036