Notes for Myself

I woke up early this morning just before my alarm rang. I was thinking of dropping by at the church or maybe say the rosary. I was all dressed up for work and realized I was one hour ahead of my usual schedule (I drive to work around 9:30). Okay, I had time to stop by at the church. I would love to spend some quiet moments at the Adoration chapel but I realized they’re not open till 9AM.

As I was driving through the church’s parking lot, I noticed it’s full. Yes, it’s Wednesday and I know that there are masses everyday at 8:30 but I didn’t realize there’s many people that go to church on weekdays. I can’t help but smile. I don’t know why. I just felt like I’m home. Ah, I missed Wednesday masses.

It was soon that I remembered riding on a bus on Wednesday nights when I was in Taiwan. There are just few people that go to the Wednesday masses. It’s calm and intimate; yet, I thought those were the great moments of my life. All this recollection had been stirred by the fact that I felt a little dry and unbalanced lately. It’s always easy to do something that you’re comfortable with. I mean, I have a good life. My husband loves me. I’m blessed with a big family. I seemed to cope up with life in my own way and my own understanding. However, lately… I felt so blah, so uninspired. Yes, I put my brothers to school. I felt that would be something inspiring. But really, I thought it’s easy. I mean, it’s not easy tossing away all the money I’ve worked for every month but that thought come by so easily. I can’t just close my eyes and pretend they’re fine. Basically, that “call” is normal for me.

What is it really? Glad you asked. I had the slightest idea but I feel like I wanted to do something. Something that’s not “playing it safe”. Something that is significant. I understand I’m not so good at communicating with people socially but I’m determined to change my not-so-significant life right now. I want to be part of this humanity. I don’t want to lock myself in a lonely spot just thinking about myself and my future. Isn’t that what I’ve been dreaming for? Apparently, dreaming and wishful thinking is no less than lip service. It’s about making it happen. And that is work, sometimes a lot of work.

At this point, I recognize trying to get by won’t get me much and seeking only to fit is not living at all. And no, I’m not seeking perfection. I’m seeking significance in life. I can’t continue watching life passes me by. I can’t allow myself rolling down the hill till mosses enfold me and just let the grass grow on my feet. I’m a big girl and I should do what a big girl does, right? So, help me God!